All in one day

I can remember May 15th very well.  I don't usually carry my cell phone but that day I did.  I was on pins and needles waiting for Keith to call. Keith says now that all 63 employees were walking around the dealership looking out the windows for the FedEx truck.  It always came twice a day, once in the morning for pick up and in the afternoon for delivery. The atmosphere was tense and every one was anxious.  They kept asking each other "Have you heard anything?".
By mid-afternoon I had not heard anything from Keith.  People kept asking me "Have you heard?". I finally walked into the staff restroom and called him.  He said something like the truck came and there was no letter.  Reports were coming to them by word-of-mouth in the car world that some dealers already had their letters but there was nothing official being said.  We all felt that we made it through! It was such relief - just like knowing some cuts will happen at your workplace and it isn't you.  You are sad for those cut but extremely glad that you were spared.
So, no letter, back to business as usual.
Within an hour, I was asked to step in and see the principal.  She sat beside me instead of behind her desk and asked about word on the dealer cuts and I was so glad to give her the good news.
I was caught off-guard when she then told me how sorry she was to tell me that I was being pink slipped! The school system was laying off a certain number of employees at the end of the school year and I was near the bottom of the list in seniority.  She said that she talked to Human Services and told them about the bad timing of this day in particular but was told that it would be public knowledge at the end of the day and I had to be notified.  She said that he offered to come over and tell me himself but she declined.
I knew cuts were maybe coming.  It happened frequently.  It also happens that the employee gets called back the week before school starts in the fall.  On any other day it would have been hard, but to go from such a relief high to a free fall low was more than I could take.
She was so nice and said all the right things and I said all the right things back as polite people do.  A few tears did escape but I just held it together somehow (shock?).  I walked directly back into the same staff restroom as before and called Keith.  The tears came and I could hardly speak.  We both were spinning.
 Like a person with shell-shock I walked back to my room where my coworkers took me into their arms and comforted me.  God Bless Them!  I'm sure they said all kinds of kind things to me but what I remember are the hugs.
What would have been an occasion to celebrate was tempered by loss. It worked the other way too - the day was not a total loss.

Fired by a first grader

I began the year of 2009 as a full-time employee.  I spent the morning working in an ASD(Autistic spectrum disorder) classroom. There were six children and four adults.  When I first substituted in an ASD room, I really knew nothing about autism.  I remember being afraid to talk to them or touch them, thinking that would upset them. The staff ALWAYS were extremely helpful.  I can say with certainty that people who work with special needs children are the nicest people you will ever meet.  Another trait they seem to have is an extraordinary good sense of humor. The work can be very stressful and we would look for reasons to laugh.  We did not laugh at disabilities. We laughed at situations and at each other. You could say we lifted each other up.
The teacher was wonderful.  She always took time to talk through situations and the reason for doing something a certain way.  She was a wealth of information.
In the afternoon, I worked with two students who were mainstreamed into general education classrooms. One fond memory that I have is accompanying a first grader to his art class.  If he didn't like what I said, he would say "You're fired!" quite loudly. You just had to laugh - it was funny. One not so funny memory is trying to subdue a student on a field trip who wanted to run.  Do you know how hard it is to  keep a 5 year old from running when they want to run? I found out it can't be done very gracefully.
It was going well though and we were almost done with the school year when:
In the spring, there were news reports that GM was going to be terminating some unknown number of dealers.  All information was coming through the media.  GM was not communicating directly with any dealers.  This was a state of panic for our family and the employees that made up Dalgleish Cadillac. Everyone started speculating about how the decisions would be made. This went on for awhile until the press came out with the news that GM would be notifying the terminated dealers via FedEx on May 15th.  SHIT...

Picking up where Oprah and All My Children are leaving off...

I'm breaking format and talking in present day because people have asked me about the term 5th chakra. God love the internet, where you can begin by looking for a paint color for your bedroom wall and end up writing a blog about yourself! That is how it happened.  I do love the randomness of a search!
The 5th chakra is that little spot at the base of my throat where grief and sadness have been blocked... pushed down and never to be revealed or dealt with. If you've ever wanted to cry and you felt pain in your throat... that's the area. If you learn to open that area it is the beginning of self expression. This is where I am right now: learning to be more self-aware and dealing with pain instead of avoiding it.
Just as anyone of any heritage can say "Oh look at the little bambino.", the 5th chakra is just the right term, right now. I am not an "Eastie" nor have I joined a cult or gone off the deep end.
Why am I writing in public format? Hello! I live with all men... even the cat and dog are males.  There is no talk with any emotional significance unless I am the driver! Also, I think many people have learned to minimize and put on a happy face, hoping that time will just ease the intensity and that is the healing to them.  Not for me. If I push down grief, it pops up at some very weird and inconvenient times and that has made me feel like the proverbial "hysterical woman". Then, of course, I push that shame down on top of the grief. You can see where this is going. My losses are smaller than many.  I have not felt the grief of losing my parents.  Having said that, my losses are painful and very real to me. They hurt very badly and the loss of our family's dealership... well, that is the tsunami that brought it all into the open. I will get to that loss another day.
 For now,everyone, have a wonderful holiday weekend.  Jo

Riding my bike to work

The same fall that my son left for college, I started a new job.  It was part-time working with  special needs children at the elementary school near my home.  My degree was in secondary education and I never did teach high school English as I once hoped to do decades ago.  My teaching certificate had expired long ago and I spent 8 years as a substitute, loving the flexibility of that job that alas, was viewed as a necessary evil by most people(even me).
I was so happy to be working!  The staff was great and I had friends there. There were challenges but it was new and thought provoking work. I was contributing and hoping to work into full-time.  The economy was crashing as I rode my bicycle to work with the wind in my face! I felt like a kid again doing that. Suddenly that job became very important as selling luxury cars in the Detroit inner city became quite challenging for Dalgleish Cadillac. I will talk more about my husband's family business later.
Five weeks into the job, I get called to the principal's office.  I thought it was about one of the students but when I got there, a woman was sitting at a table in the office and the principal and I sat down with her. She was there to tell me that my part-time position at the school was being eliminated. I swallowed my heart because I was so taken off guard.  She then said that there were two part-time positions at another school that if I was interested I could combine them to be full time. I said that I was interested and that I understood how these things happen.  I saw relief in both of them because hey, it's not easy to let someone go. I was sad to leave and little did I know, I would be back there again in two years.

Miss your face

So, yes it was sad sending our 1st son off to college.  The saddest time was the anticipation during the last few months leading up to fall. What I knew to say was that  our family dynamic was changing and we would never be the consistent family of four that sat at the dinner table every night. I did not ever think of it as a loss at that time.  My definition of loss was death. Looking back at this time, I know I felt something was over for me... the day-to-day responsibility of guiding him was done... he was launched.  It was also a control issue.  How could I control situations and protect him if we weren't together?
  The minute we dropped him off and I thought of how exciting a time this would be for him and how he had looked forward to it... I was okay. No scene in the parking lot. It was sort of anti-climatic.
  Yes, I did miss him.  You don't love and take care of a person for 18 years and not miss them.  I missed just seeing his face or having his physical presence moving through the house. Unlike the first time he drove a car down the street alone and didn't look back, this time he was gone but we had brand new relationship.  He didn't mind talking on the phone and he didn't mind a visit every so often. Conversation was easy and more mature.  I don't mean that it was sober and serious. I mean we could converse as two people and not just as mother and son. I have to say here that I couldn't be prouder of him.  He is a fantastic person who is intelligent, witty and very caring.

Hello

In the summer of 2008, I was sitting in my family room and munching on some tortilla chips.  I felt some pain in my throat and thought that I had not chewed very well and may have scraped myself with the hard edge of a chip. This feeling lasted about a month. At least once a day I would be aware of the pain in varying degrees. I finally decided that it must be cancer of the esophagus and I went to the doctor.  He is  a longtime friend of my father-in-law and just a great guy.

He looked in my throat, felt my throat and asked all the pertinent questions about the pain and did it occur after eating, etc. He then asked me if I was feeling any stress.  I said no, not really.  I am a little sad because my son is leaving for college next week. A light bulb went off and he sort of smiled and said he'd be right back. A 1/2 hour later he returned with a medical book from 50's and said that he thought I had what was listed as globus hystericus: the proverbial lump in the throat.  He put his hand on my arm and said "Honey, you just have to let go.". No tests, no 2nd opinion...  I was cured!  He said some people get ulcers, some get headaches and I had the lump.

This was the beginning of a new phase of my life.  Loss...the stuffing down of all emotions connected to loss, having those emotions resurface as new losses popped up, finding all methods of avoiding dealing with them, finally identifying them, facing them and letting go. I set this blog up to express some of my experience and thoughts on this common occurrence that seems anything but common.

I have some funny spots, some truly quite painful times and some anger to direct.  More to come.  Jo