This one is about me...
To be honest, I found many ways to avoid and delay writing this entry and now have rewritten it many times. This one is about the Autumn of 2009. It is the white-hot emotional upheaval that I experienced as the date of closing the dealership came nearer. It is the emotional element of this, let's say, journey, that cannot be separated from the facts and dates.
To be positive about it, I could not be writing and sharing these things if I wasn't looking at them through the rearview mirror. I can say, yeah, things were bad but I am getting so strong. That is a word with such depth. I do hold on to some bitterness and some anger but I am, excuse me, we are, far from where we have been. That time was the darkest valley for me and I just remember Keith and I saying to each other... we have to go through it to get to the other side.
I had returned (after being pink slipped in the spring) to a full-time position in a new school. It was to be the most challenging job I'd ever had (so far...please, God) I want to give credit to this school system of ours - from my view in special education - I see staff giving 110%. So much time and energy is spent brainstorming how best to assist special needs students. You take this work home with you and it enters your dream life.
It was a physically demanding job. I would return home exhausted. I was drained emotionally from all that went on during the day. I was too new at this to let it all roll off me. I didn't have the tools to process everything that upset me. I had to hold it together during the day and I pushed it all down deep because I did not want my home, our home, to be a sad place, especially for Jack who was still at home. I knew Keith had a lot on his mind and I didn't want to add to his burden.
When you think of that phrase "the weight of the world", that is how it was for me. Right now I'm thinking that I can't believe I got through that time without some serious anti-depressants. How I operated under the weight of sadness, fear and anxiety, I can't explain in words how I felt like a different person... not me.
The staff was supportive and I felt badly about presenting myself as such a "Debby Downer" to them but I didn't have much else to offer at this time. I do believe that it was easier for me to be with people I didn't know well during this time because they didn't know my back story, they didn't know me. I could keep my walls up and it allowed me a certain privacy.
This sounds so pitiful but during those dark days I would force myself to focus on small positives like how good the hot water felt on my skin in the shower or how beautiful the sky looked in the morning. It kept me going in the right direction. I knew I was going to get through this and the hard part would end but in the heat of things, I was just spinning and trying to hold on to something. When I think back about this time I see that the only person that I let see me as I was, was me. I spent a lot of time alone in my thoughts.
Some of the children I work with have a lot of anxiety. One way we help them cope is to give them a visual schedule of their day. It is usually made up of small pictures showing for example, circle time followed by desk work, snack, recess, gym, etc. It helps them to know what is coming next so they don't get anxious.
The date of the closing was set for November 20th. If I had a visual schedule that date would be on it and all the spaces following would be blank. I had such anxiety not knowing what the future held after that day.
It seems I was in a self-imposed isolation. I don't remember socializing much during that time. The phone did not ring much but it did ring. I'm sure people did not know what to say... I wouldn't have known what to say before it happened. I remember saying to my friend Laura when she called that I just couldn't talk to her now, I would talk to her when it was over because it was too painful. I wanted to keep control of myself and my grief.
Sometimes, a student will see an activity on his schedule that he doesn't like and as that time comes closer the anxiety builds and we remind him that after that comes... something he does like. It gives him something to hold on to. I liken those last days before the closing to my experience during childbirth. I never cried out until the end... until the baby's head crowned and the pain was too much and then I whispered "hurry... please hurry!" As the pressure and anxiety built that last week, I couldn't hold it back. It escaped. Just days before the closing, I saw my neighbor Carolyn and there we were, just hugging in the middle of the street. Once the tears started, they just flowed out of me.
Another neighbor, unaware of the timing, stopped by the house the night before the closing. I couldn't keep my composure and I it just spilled out of me again. I apologized for burdening her with my grief. Isn't THAT crazy!
It is so strange, how people operate. Everyone has a story... how often it goes unknown.
Should I meet with catastrophe again, I will not isolate myself. Everyone has problems and I don't have to be ashamed. Trying to hide my grief and vulnerability made things very difficult. I had no experience with this sort of thing and I just crawled my way through it - alone. I tried to be all perfect and by God, I am free of thinking I have to do that!
So, the world didn't fall apart November 20th... lesson learned.
Weeks after the closing I was sitting in the staff lunch room alone, (I usually ate alone because of scheduling problems) staring at a job posting at another school. It was for a different type of work. I stared at it for a few days before I said to myself: You've got to try. Save Yourself! Instinct told me that I was not dropping anchor where I was. I applied and got the job and in January(new year, new job) I started anew.
Many times I've wondered if my personal life hadn't been in such upheaval, could I have hung in there. I was disappointed in myself because it felt like failure at the time. I thought my heart was big enough and it was... it was just that I learned I had limitations. It was difficult, but I cared and I tried all I knew how to do. I have to forgive myself... and I need to let it go. That is what I believe this blog is helping me to do...
" A great wind is blowing and that gives you either imagination or a headache."
Catherine the Great
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