"The Longest Day Will Have an End"

I know it has been months but I'm jumping right back in to finish up with our time in Detroit. As for the dealership termination process, I last left with the day of closing the doors of Dalgleish Cadillac and saying goodbye in a ceremonial way. After Friday, November 20th, 2009, Dalgleish Cadillac was no longer operating as a dealership. On The following Monday, about 15 employees came to make up a skeleton crew to close up a business, make ready for the auction of tools, furniture,etc.and to empty the building of everything that had been there for over 50 years. You don't just lock the door and walk away. Accounts had to closed, services cancelled. There were outstanding invoices to be settled. Years of records had to be dealt with. Some were destroyed but many, because of document retention laws, had to be organized, boxed and put into storage. To this day, we are still paying those storage fees. Kwame Kilpatrick's records were subpoenaed by the Feds in 2010. It cost us money just to get them out of storage and then again to put them back in. Some records have to be held for 10 years. The storage fees are $150 a month and then $500 a year to destroy records that no longer need to be kept. GM gives press releases about the terrific progress they've made and we are still paying to store Hilda B. Hubbard's purchase from 2007. Arrgh! So anyway, that Monday the guys met and discussed what had to happen next. A liquidation company was chosen to auction off everything that was left. A price was not to be put on anything. The bidding would dictate the price. GM parts were not to be part of the auction. We sold about $75,000 worth of GM parts to another dealer for $6,000! GM refused to buy back their parts from terminated dealers and the market was saturated as these dealers tried to sell them off. So, office furniture, hoists, everything you can imagine for a business that had been in the same location for over 50 years had to be sorted and made ready for the auction and removal. One example is a paint booth that was purchased 3 to 4 years before for approx. $100,000. It was on the 3rd floor and was the size of a small garage(big enough to drive a car in). Purchased for $100,000 and sold at auction for $5,500. We had 3 paint booths. To sum it all up - maybe a million dollars worth of items went for $100,000. If we had been allowed to sell the building with its contents as an existing franchised dealership, it would have brought several million dollars to our family. A couple years prior - an offer had been brought to us by another dealer who wanted to buy us out. At first, GM endorsed his offer and then suddenly, with no explanation, pulled their backing. So we know what the dealership was worth before "restructuring". Now you know what it cost our family. One day it is worth several million dollars and the next day 0. The Big Empty - What had once been a profitable business, filled with people, was now quiet, empty and sad. Customers did come knocking, beeping their horns to be let in the service door or calling because they were unaware. They would get mad, saying "Now what am I supposed to do? Where do I go now?". The task of preparing for the auction was like getting your dead relatives' things ready for dispersement. It was depressing. Every day you just go through the motions until it is all done. The date for the auction was set for January 20th. That day was like watching vultures swooping down on their prey. People were looking for deals and free stuff. It made for a long day because there were about 1,000 items to go through. Keith said it was like strangers in your house, pawing through your things. It was very draining. After that day, they emptied every nook and cranny. They loved this building like a home and they took care so it would look its best. On February 19th, they handed over the keys to Wayne State. Keith was the last guy there. A local firefighter, a stranger, really, came by and they spoke. He said how sorry he was and they both cried and the firefighter hugged him. Keith got in his car and left for the last time. When I hear on the news how President Obama saved the auto industry... I get so sad! It kills me a thousand times over again to hear it broadcast like a parade banner. What about us? He didn't save us! In fact it cost us everything! Shakespeare said give sorrow words. I try... I try. Next time: The Think Tank

Where was God...

     Was he there?

     The short answer for those not wanting to read any further is.. of course, he was there.

     Early on in the forced closure process, Keith and I were sitting in the family room, talking.  I said to him that I felt like a very small being, carried forward in God's large hand.  Keith replied that he felt like he was in a shitstorm.  Gotta love Keith, he always comes through and lightens the mood. Seriously though, those were our separate perspectives at the time.

     In good times, I thank God and in bad times I ask myself - "what am I to learn from this?" or ask him to "help me to accept this".  It never occurred to me to blame him or get angry with him. That's part of me trusting him.  I didn't praise him in the valley as some say to do, but I trusted him and I was glad that he was there. I accept what happened but I don't like it.  I don't have to like it.

     At that time, I prayed to God to save our dealership (he did answer... the answer was no).  I prayed for this and for that. I prayed to accept his will for us.  On my knees, I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I prayed for a miracle until the day of November 20th and then I just stopped.  It felt like it was time to stop asking.

     In my mind, I imagined God to say "Quit bugging me! Now wait and see.".  I'm a bible reader and I know this translates to Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God..."  So now comes the trust part.  Is that what I was to learn from all this? I had been praying and asking with an intensity that could not be sustained.

     Some will say that I was disappointed and turned away from God. Maybe.  A child asks his father for something and the father says no, it's not good for him.  The child is disappointed and backs away but he doesn't stop loving his father.  I was going to drift for awhile but I felt as if it was okay... it didn't mean very far and it didn't mean forever. 

     On the subject of forgiveness... I admit this is difficult.  I can't even name a person by name - it's all behind the cloak of corporation.  At this point, forgiveness would not be sincere.  I don't rule it out.  I know it is the ideal... just not yet.  Until you're ready, you're just not ready.  It can't be forced.  Why would I pretend?

     Once, I was in a bible study with a woman who's brother was murdered years and years ago.  She openly admitted that she had never been able to forgive the killer.  She was a quiet, serious and caring person.  She knew all the arguments for forgiveness.  It was all laid out in front of her... the examples, the reasoning and the rewards.  All of it, there in front of her, just words on paper and she was not ready to forgive.  Noted.

     I spoke in my last blog about forcing myself to look for positives in my day.  When I found something, I thanked God.  The problem with that was the gratefulness seemed kind of stingy.  It took effort and that is a sad sort of gratefulness... sort of, only half okay.

     The time came when gratefulness without effort returned to my heart and that was a moment of such clarity and pure joy between myself and my God.  No more drifting.  This is how it happened:

     Until I was about 40, I had only an acquaintance with God.  I just didn't get it, any of it.  I became a seeker, as they say, and I read the bible for knowledge and to glean from it anything to make life better. It was like a history book and self-help guide all in one.  As I look back at it, it is a rather dry way to read it.

     Anyway, one day this last summer, my reading included this passage from Isaiah 55:12  "You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace.  The mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."  

Aren't those lovely words?

     I've been reading the bible for 10 years. I've read the bible through two times.  That took 4 years.  How could I have missed this?  Well, because there is nothing in it that I could use - it's just purely for enjoyment.  The beauty of that writing... the poetry of it hit me, stunned me... and in that moment I smiled and I laughed and I said "Thank you, God!".  It seems kinda crazy, I know, but I felt such joy.  I love joy because it is so fleeting and therefore greatly treasured.  How does one sustain joy?  It seems like a moment between yourself and God and eventually, something earthly always intrudes.

     I also felt pure gratefulness.  It was pure because it was effortless. It just burst out of me!

                     "We do not remember days, we remember moments."  Cesare Paves

     If I hadn't read the bible, I wouldn't have the insight into my life's situation.  I've always liked Paul in the bible.  Some people say he just went around telling people what they couldn't do or what they were doing was wrong. Often, I'd like to do that!  Wouldn't we all?  But really, I love his courage and his conviction.

     He wrote of living with a "thorn" in his flesh but also having learned the secret of being content in any situation.  He had to learn this.

     Don't we all want to know that secret?  We are all living the imperfect life.  Not the perfect life.. the real one. I'm living life with all its imperfections, disappointments and failings... and you know what... it's still worth it.  It's still everything.