The short answer for those not wanting to read any further is.. of course, he was there.
Early on in the forced closure process, Keith and I were sitting in the family room, talking. I said to him that I felt like a very small being, carried forward in God's large hand. Keith replied that he felt like he was in a shitstorm. Gotta love Keith, he always comes through and lightens the mood. Seriously though, those were our separate perspectives at the time.
In good times, I thank God and in bad times I ask myself - "what am I to learn from this?" or ask him to "help me to accept this". It never occurred to me to blame him or get angry with him. That's part of me trusting him. I didn't praise him in the valley as some say to do, but I trusted him and I was glad that he was there. I accept what happened but I don't like it. I don't have to like it.
At that time, I prayed to God to save our dealership (he did answer... the answer was no). I prayed for this and for that. I prayed to accept his will for us. On my knees, I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I prayed for a miracle until the day of November 20th and then I just stopped. It felt like it was time to stop asking.
In my mind, I imagined God to say "Quit bugging me! Now wait and see.". I'm a bible reader and I know this translates to Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God..." So now comes the trust part. Is that what I was to learn from all this? I had been praying and asking with an intensity that could not be sustained.
Some will say that I was disappointed and turned away from God. Maybe. A child asks his father for something and the father says no, it's not good for him. The child is disappointed and backs away but he doesn't stop loving his father. I was going to drift for awhile but I felt as if it was okay... it didn't mean very far and it didn't mean forever.
On the subject of forgiveness... I admit this is difficult. I can't even name a person by name - it's all behind the cloak of corporation. At this point, forgiveness would not be sincere. I don't rule it out. I know it is the ideal... just not yet. Until you're ready, you're just not ready. It can't be forced. Why would I pretend?
Once, I was in a bible study with a woman who's brother was murdered years and years ago. She openly admitted that she had never been able to forgive the killer. She was a quiet, serious and caring person. She knew all the arguments for forgiveness. It was all laid out in front of her... the examples, the reasoning and the rewards. All of it, there in front of her, just words on paper and she was not ready to forgive. Noted.
I spoke in my last blog about forcing myself to look for positives in my day. When I found something, I thanked God. The problem with that was the gratefulness seemed kind of stingy. It took effort and that is a sad sort of gratefulness... sort of, only half okay.
The time came when gratefulness without effort returned to my heart and that was a moment of such clarity and pure joy between myself and my God. No more drifting. This is how it happened:
Until I was about 40, I had only an acquaintance with God. I just didn't get it, any of it. I became a seeker, as they say, and I read the bible for knowledge and to glean from it anything to make life better. It was like a history book and self-help guide all in one. As I look back at it, it is a rather dry way to read it.
Anyway, one day this last summer, my reading included this passage from Isaiah 55:12 "You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."
Aren't those lovely words?
I've been reading the bible for 10 years. I've read the bible through two times. That took 4 years. How could I have missed this? Well, because there is nothing in it that I could use - it's just purely for enjoyment. The beauty of that writing... the poetry of it hit me, stunned me... and in that moment I smiled and I laughed and I said "Thank you, God!". It seems kinda crazy, I know, but I felt such joy. I love joy because it is so fleeting and therefore greatly treasured. How does one sustain joy? It seems like a moment between yourself and God and eventually, something earthly always intrudes.
I also felt pure gratefulness. It was pure because it was effortless. It just burst out of me!
"We do not remember days, we remember moments." Cesare Paves
If I hadn't read the bible, I wouldn't have the insight into my life's situation. I've always liked Paul in the bible. Some people say he just went around telling people what they couldn't do or what they were doing was wrong. Often, I'd like to do that! Wouldn't we all? But really, I love his courage and his conviction.
He wrote of living with a "thorn" in his flesh but also having learned the secret of being content in any situation. He had to learn this.
Don't we all want to know that secret? We are all living the imperfect life. Not the perfect life.. the real one. I'm living life with all its imperfections, disappointments and failings... and you know what... it's still worth it. It's still everything.
